Armenian Government Vows to Go Balls-Deep Into Anti-Corruption

Armenian Government Vows to Go Balls-Deep Into Anti-Corruption

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"No more half-measures - balls-deep it is!", - Harutyunyan
“No more half-measures – balls-deep it is!”, – Harutyunyan

YEREVAN – The Armenian Government has signed off on an anti-corruption deal with the US Agency for International Development (USAID) to implement a comprehensive anti-corruption effort. RA Government conceded to receive some $750,000 and sign an MOU to “comply with international integrity standards and stop all the friggin’ stealing for a change.”

“We have duly discussed this with all stakeholders and the President is on board, too – we’re positively determined to go balls-deep into the anti-corruption fight and stop all the abuse of power and shit,” – announced Prime Minister Abrahamyan in a joint conference with USAID head Karen Hilliard.

“It’s not like we were not planning to fight corruption on our own… but when you get an incentive of $750,000… well, you just say, ‘smack my ass and call me Johnny!’ Trust me, I will personally make sure that corruption shrinks like it’s taking a cold shower!” – elaborated the Prime Minister.

The USAID official commended the Government for its willingness and pace in reaching the agreement. “The Armenian Government responded with genuine enthusiasm and commitment.

Cameras captures Prime Minister moments after signing the 750,000 USD deal
Cameras capture Prime Minister moments after signing the 750,000 USD deal

In fact, before we finished preliminary talks regarding the financial aid, Prime Minister Abrahamyan had already texted on my mobile phone the Government’s bank account number and all due transfer details,” says USAID director. “And yes, the Prime Minister made it very clear they are going to go full frontal on corruption. His words, not mine. He actually said it twice.”

Davit Harutyunyan – a key anti-corruption liaison – has laid Government’s road-map on reducing corruption in all governing spheres: “Here’s just a few steps we’re determined to undertake – we’ll attack any corrupt officials like a pack of mad grizzly mamas; we’ll attack fiercely any corrupt agency like a bunch horny immigrants in Germany on New Year’s Eve , and last but not least I will personally kick in the crouch of any official I catch abusing power.”

At the end of the signing ceremony, both parties agreed to meet regularly and discuss progress. “We are very pleased that the anti-corruption council headed by the Prime Minister is committed to go to town on corruption in such short notice. We will closely monitor implementation of the action plan and budget expenditures.”

As the event came to a close, the Armenian side mentioned a brief reservation concerning monitoring. Davit Harutyunyan said:  “We’re fully on board with the whole thing, but the so-called monitoring of how we spend the grant may be a deal breaker… We’ve already signed off on going “balls-deep into the anti-corruption fight” and we believe that’s as far as we can go. Let’s not get carried away with the whole “monitoring” extravaganza. Any attempt to monitor may create an atmosphere of distrust and unwillingness to go that deep into the fight on the part of the government.”

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