US Conservatives Demand “Avengers” Replace Thor with Jesus

US Conservatives Demand “Avengers” Replace Thor with Jesus

"Thor is no God but abomination," GOP
“Thor is no God but abomination,” GOP

US evangelical activists from the Bible Belt area backed by GOP have prepared a petition against current composition of Avengers heroes. A growing ground of Republican and Christian groups have voiced concern over a ‘European Medieval God’ – Thor – featuring among a team of All-American superheroes.

“If Avengers movie absolutely needs to feature a God among them, it should be Jesus Christ and not some eccentric Scandinavian blonde deity,” says Madlene Montana, leader of ‘Women for Christ movement in Mississippi, “What does this teach our Children? Why does America get rescued by a European God? We didn’t kick Hitler’s ass in Europe to be rescued by this Aryan guy.”

"Thor is also probably gay.. He's too hot and too European to be straight anyway..." Ted Cruz (R)
“Thor is also probably gay.. He’s too hot and too European to be straight anyway…” Ted Cruz (R)

The idea has received strong support from Republican MPs. Ted Cruz has stated that Hollywood may face “serious consequences” unless Thor is replaced with Jesus or at least Chuck Norris. “We need to be reasonable about this. Why should Americans be brainwashed by some Scandinavian  Thor mumbo jumbo – someone that has no valid God credentials, no evidence of existence, no scientific grounds on being a true God? If they want a real God in the movie it should be Jesus. Period. Or Chuck Norris. Period. Or Ronald Reagan,”  said Cruz.

Another sudden participant of the debate Dalai Lama volunteered to replace Thor: “Well, nobody can deny that I exist… I can use superpowers like… mind-blowing civil disobedience and once-a-century reincarnation technique to annoy the villains to death.”

Currently, the Avengers creative team is incorporating new ideas and will announce the new cast of the “Dream Team” in late 2015. The studio has leaked that strong pressure also comes from the Jewish lobby to replace Iron Man with Moses, but no confirmations have been made yet.

One thing all religious groups unanimously agree upon is the uselessness of Hawkeye. “I speak for my Jewish, Christian and Buddhist brothers, when I say we strive for a world where Avengers franchise has zero Hawkeye presence,” concluded mufti Mohammed Abdul-Zadeh.