LUSAKA – Zambian President Edgar Lungu addressed United States of America at a media event today, offering a helping hand in struggle against child obesity. Zambian Government vowed to consume 50% of American junk food every year. “Give us your Cheetos, your Doritos, your fattening masses yearning to be consumed. This cooperation is mutually beneficial: American kids suffer a gigantic problem, no pun intended. This will balance things out”
– concluded President Lungu. Overeating has caused 1 of 3 American children to go obese, while 1/3 of Zambian kids remain severely inderfed.
With no official feedback from the White House, some Democratic senators are excited about Zambian aid. “This can be a turning point in child obesity. If we stipulate that half of every burger or bag of chips purchased by minors should be preserved and transfered to Zambia, we might be making a step in the right direction”, – noted Senate Minority Chairman Harry Reid.
Republicans are approaching the offer with caution and reservations. “Child obesity is one of those global warming type hoaxes. What’s wrong with American kids having nice chubby cheeks you can pinch”, – wondered New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. “Accepting aid from Zambia will make us seem weak. What’s next China is going to teach us how to make best damn smartphones in the world?”, – he added.
While Zambians are excited to aid United States, some conservative Americans are preparing state wide protests. “My right to eat an entire burger is as Constitutional as Bald Eagles. I’m not sharing honey mustard barbecue with double cheese and jelly nachos on coconut butter with anyone. Obesity is a choice, a lifestyle not a disease or a crime” – said Greg Stamborne, CEO of F.A.T.S.O. (Fervid Americans Thrilled to Stay Obese).